Generosity

27Dec08 Saturday 1:48pm

I've been writing about and discovering what my 100 Demons are. Lynda Barry covers her demons in her comic book One Hundred Demons
One of my big ones has to do with generosity and other's perceptions of my generosity. It always interests me how we try so hard to change each other. "I think you should act this way," we say mostly through actions or finessing each other. I'm guilty of it myself. And well, one of my big ones is how certain people try to tell me that I'm not generous enough for their liking.

Being a woman, learning to say no is often a big priority on our to do list and that always falls in line with giving. We're raised to nurture and give and take a back seat to others in some way.

I've always thought of myself as being a generous person and I used to be that kind of generous where I would give more to others than I had for myself. But slowly and with time, I started to realize that giving the shirt off my back just left me freezing.

Why would anyone give the shirt off their back? It's ridiculous really. Okay, you don't have any clothes, you can wear my sweater but I'm keeping my jacket. Why is anyone else more important that you give them everything and you are left with nothing? It just doesn't make sense.

When we were kids, my step sisters and I all got allowances as most kids do. I got my allowance weekly and they got theirs monthly, since they didn't see their father everyday. Always, I shared my candies and whatever else I bought because I assumed that being the oldest of the girls that I was being given more money. Until that one day that the youngest told me that not only was her father giving her her allowance but my mother had slipped her 'extra' money. I learned that she actually had close to four times as much money than I had. That was way more than I had, I stopped sharing my candies. At some point the older of the two step sisters complained to her dad that she no longer wanted to come to our house anymore because, "Shelley isn't generous."

There was a big stink, words were exchanged, accusations were bandied about and finally I hit the parents with my knowledge of the girls receiving special treatment in a situation that I was constantly told was fair and even. Silence. I don't know what was said to the step sister but she started coming back again. No doubt they paid her more money than they had already previously been doing.

I find that today that I still come up against people who have way more than I have and then want me to give them what I have. Maybe I am selfish but I have never understood why I should give all that I have to someone who has so much.

The other day an acquaintance was scoping out the loot I received for Christmas from people I've done business with throughout the year. The acquaintance asked me if I was going to share with my loot with my co-workers and I said no. "You're not going to share any of that with your guys? So you're just going to bring that all home?" and he asked with that tonality of disapproval.
I had to laugh at the immediate judgement that hung in the air. I've told this person before when he attempted to get me to 'share' my lunch with him that I do not take care of people who don't need it.

It's a weird caretaking thing that mainly men attempt to push me into without taking into consideration that none of my purchases come easily. If I'm buying a lot of cherries in the summer then there is something that I'm doing without. I never have this and that, I have to choose between this or that and then I get enough to cover me and rarely any extras. I'm not the wife, mother or caretaker for anyone and I really don't have any extra to give especially when it comes to people whose pockets are overflowing with stuff. And I have to start saying that much like learning how to say no.

Generosity has to do with wanting to give, not being forced to give or coerced into giving. I don't have to share every single thing I have with every single fucking person in my life. I choose to feed squirrels and not pigeons. I see many people feeding the pigeons clearly they are taken care of without my bread. I choose to share with whomever I choose to share with. That doesn't make me generous or selfish, it makes me somebody who makes choices.

Oh well! First ranty blog entry in a long ass while on a New Moon no doubt. It bodes well for more articulate entries.

EY

So Many Things to Blog

25Nov08 Tuesday 10:07pm

I've been going through an interesting little relationship thing as of late. A male acquaintance has been sharing some of his relatiionship issues with me. And I've been offering some of my suggestions from the female perspective. It's interesting to know some of the questions that men have when in serious committed relationships. It's curious how men don't always know how to handle us and that we can be so oblivious to that fact. It has always felt to me that I have had so many questions about any boyfriend I've had specifically about his behaviour and I marvel at how men have similar types of questions about women and their behaviour. Interesting.

I've been working through many personal issues over the last few months. Got the part time job to deal with the money issues. Had the ergonomics specialist into my day job to offer suggestions to help me deal with the pain issue. I've written and thought about my staying issue with the full time job. Really it's my running away and leaving issue that I've been notorious for in years past. I realized over the last year or so that eventually I had to stay in one place long enough to not only just build relationships but work through the stuff that comes up with people when you've known them for a long time. And just not run away at the first sign of real trouble.

It's been a busy year of work issues and power struggles and annoyances and relationship shifts and the like. And I've come through it with the same people in the same corner and a little more understanding that people I genuinely care about can fail me, can prop me up and all kinds of other stuff in between. I guess it comes down to seeing people realistically.

Oh well, bad timing to blog. I'm at my part time job and as I can watch the show on the monitor I have to watch my favorite part of the show. But I think it's time to start blogging again. There are so many things to comment on.

EY

Family Stone

Sunday 28Sept08 4:57pm

I've got the Family Stone on since it is showing on the W network. In it, there is a scene where Diane Keaton's daughter gets into bed with her. And I haven't thought about it in a long time. I miss lying in bed with my mother. I miss the warmth and smells of her. I miss going into her closet, when she was out, and smelling her perfume smells off her clothes. It doesn't matter how old and mature you become, you are always your parent's child and I miss being her child.

I love when men kiss their sons. Even when they are still adults. It feels like they've let go of all that boys don't cry and can't show affection crap.

I seem to be focused on relationships lately and naming more of what I want and what I love and what I miss. Part of it is about a novel that I'm working on and part of it is about clarity. I seem to have people confiding in me about their relationships lately. The growing pains of new relationships. The real life of relationships once the intoxicating feelings disappear and every day life seeps back in. And I give my words of wisdom, give it your best, show some acceptance and if it really isn't something you can work out, don't leave too early, don't stay too long.

And constantly, I look at the object of my interest and I can predict where some of the problems will come up and I wonder, I wonder, I wonder...

EY

Mercury is Retrograde one last time

Friday 26Sept08 9:53pm

It's been another month since I've visited my blog. I've thought about blogging at my part time gig but lately it's been too busy to consider. But it's been a fun busy.

My Capricorn spiritual son has been the greatest son to love. We spoil eachother with cookies, which is fine for him, he's a bony little guy. For me? I'm going to have to ask him to spoil me with fruit going forward!
Another Capricorn I know, because have I mentioned I'm overrun with Capricorns, has been facing some relationship issues and I think that one of my purposes in life is to offer advice at how to give a good College try at looking honestly at why you're with someone and look for possible ways to rekindle and if that's not working for you, finding the nicest way to walk away from a relationship if you don't want to be in it.

And it gives me all sorts of novel ideas, for whatever reason.

Things at the day job have gone from reaching a fever pitch of pure insanity and the pendulum swings back to a level of calm.
Basically, I had more work induced pain only this time it was on both sides of my body. I had to do a little dance to be heard but was ultimately heard. And I had to pull out the sound vibration to take my pain away. I'm still waiting for the report from the ergonomist specialist who paid me a visit and assessed my work area. And always, I go for Shiatsu. My therapist who I've nicknamed the hack, has been beating me up and forcing some pains on me and telling me to breath through it and all that. Yeah buddy, let me kick you in the balls and you breath through that pain. He laughs, I'm half serious.

Lance Armstrong announced that he will do the Tour de France next year which makes me thrilled beyond words. I can barely wait until next summer and we just barely finished this one. But the more we have to look forward to, the better life is.

Gatsby, my cat, is 7 months old and a terror and we love him like ten men.

And we hit Mercury Retrograde in Libra. So it affects the cardinal signs more intensely. Aries, Cancer, Capricorns and Libras. But as always we all watch our communications and focus on the words/actions that start with RE. And we smile a lot right? Because we know what's happening. It happens until the 15th of October but I wouldn't start anything new until 29Oct08 especially since it will be a new moon. I've been contemplating asking a special someone to accompany me to my work Christmas party and am thinking I will ask him around October 29th in the new moon phase, after Mercury Retrograde is long behind us. We've had some good moments lately and a specific conversation with he and his younger brother that made me think that all is not lost and possibly I have a whole lot more power over this situation than I originally believed. Hmm! AND HE IS NOT A CAPRICORN! ha ha. I'm trying to be as good and kind and nice to all the Capricorn men I know in hopes that I can once and for all release myself from the curse.

This is the last Mercury Retrograde of the year yippee. The next one is 11Jan09 in Capricorn and Aquarius.

Last year I wrote a lot of entries about Grey's Anatomy on my old Writing2live blog. I may continue that on my newer Writing by Kaizen blog. Because I love that show, it really makes me think about relationships and I'm down to 2 TV shows that I watch. If you ever read my old blog, you know that one year I was knee deep in television and each year I've let go of shows and so it's a major accomplisment to be down to Heroes and Grey's Anatomy. Mad Men is down to it's last few shows for its season so I don't actually count it because by October it will be done plus last week it was a repeat.

EY

Emergency Kit

Sunday 10Aug08 8:09pm

I'm getting my Emergency kit together. I'm like most people, I think I should probably be prepared and then procrastinate about it. Some how all that rang through my head as I watched the new coverage this morning about the North Toronto Propane Explosion was, 'get your kit and shit together.'

There have been three major emergencies in Toronto this year. In February was the Queen St West fire that destroyed 14 buildings. The sky was black on my way to work and in the business district there was that quiet, dark feeling of doom mixed in with the burning smell that the wind blew. It was depressing and scary.

In July was the hydro vault that exploded in an East end apartment. The tenants were forced to stay in their apartments as the hallways filled with smoke. When they were finally evacuated, they sat on TTC buses, with the clothes on their backs, for hours.

And now this morning, in the North end was the propane explosion that affected a massive area of the city. How many times can I see images of people in their pajamas and housecoats sitting on TTC buses shivering before I make sure that I am prepared with the basic necessities?

We had a speaker at one or our quarterly meetings who talked about emergency preparation. He said that we cannot depend on emergency services being there when we need them the most because there could hundreds or thousands of people that they have to help first. It's scary but if you think of Hurricane Katrina, you know that it's true.

So as I prepare my emergency kit and my grab-and-go-bag I thought I'd mention it and provide the link to Public Safety Canada because you don't want to think about it and you hope that it never happens to you but you've got to be ready.

EY

Using Tarot for Writing

Here are more links for using the Tarot for writing:

Tarot Spread to create characters


Tarot Exercise

Tarot By Arwen

Tarot - Flash Fiction Formula

Entry Transplanted from Writing Zazen

I’ve mentioned that I found Mark McElroy’s pdf Tarot for Creative Writers and I’ve been playing with writing stories using the Tarot. What I’ve come to realize is that it’s become so much fun for me that I’ve been rushing home from work to write a new story.

Back in the day, I used to rush home every single day from work anticipating sitting at the table in the living room (when I still lived with room mates) and pulling out my steno and writing like a fiend. I’ve moved so far away from that person for many years. It often felt like more of a fight to get organized and then the television somehow seeped into my time and I was vegging instead of creating. I’m happy to say that I’ve been keeping the television turned off and I’ve been playing with my writing.

That’s really the key for me, there has to be a certain amount of play. It’s that beginner’s mind and attitude when you know that you don’t know what you are doing and you believe that with daily practice things will improve.

I’ve been doing the Tarot short stories and I’ve been doing the poems where I pick five words out of a box and try to write a piece using all of those five words. Play! It’s great to have that focus to mold and sculpt the serious writing work like my novel but there still needs to be some play for me otherwise I start to avoid all the work I feel I need to do.

Here is the Flash Fiction Formula from Mark McElroy’s PDF Tarot for Creative Writers:

Card 1 - Who/When
Card 2 - What/Theme
Card 3 - Want/Need
Card 4 - Turning Point
Card 5 - End-Hint
Card 6 - Midpoint
Card 7 - Dark Hour
Card 8 - Learn Lesson
Card 9 - Rising Action
Card 10 - Climax
Card 11 - Reflection

I use this to get me to write and have fun writing. I have no plans on rereading the stories any time soon. Maybe in a year or so. I’ve got more than enough other writings to revise. This is purely for the fun of writing. And Thank Mark McElroy for giving me that again.

Hmm and I still allow myself the really good televison shows like Heroes… two more episodes.

Mark McElroy’s sites … Tarot Tools

Made by Mark
And google Mark McElroy Tarot for Creative Writers to find his PDF book!

EY