Generosity

27Dec08 Saturday 1:48pm

I've been writing about and discovering what my 100 Demons are. Lynda Barry covers her demons in her comic book One Hundred Demons
One of my big ones has to do with generosity and other's perceptions of my generosity. It always interests me how we try so hard to change each other. "I think you should act this way," we say mostly through actions or finessing each other. I'm guilty of it myself. And well, one of my big ones is how certain people try to tell me that I'm not generous enough for their liking.

Being a woman, learning to say no is often a big priority on our to do list and that always falls in line with giving. We're raised to nurture and give and take a back seat to others in some way.

I've always thought of myself as being a generous person and I used to be that kind of generous where I would give more to others than I had for myself. But slowly and with time, I started to realize that giving the shirt off my back just left me freezing.

Why would anyone give the shirt off their back? It's ridiculous really. Okay, you don't have any clothes, you can wear my sweater but I'm keeping my jacket. Why is anyone else more important that you give them everything and you are left with nothing? It just doesn't make sense.

When we were kids, my step sisters and I all got allowances as most kids do. I got my allowance weekly and they got theirs monthly, since they didn't see their father everyday. Always, I shared my candies and whatever else I bought because I assumed that being the oldest of the girls that I was being given more money. Until that one day that the youngest told me that not only was her father giving her her allowance but my mother had slipped her 'extra' money. I learned that she actually had close to four times as much money than I had. That was way more than I had, I stopped sharing my candies. At some point the older of the two step sisters complained to her dad that she no longer wanted to come to our house anymore because, "Shelley isn't generous."

There was a big stink, words were exchanged, accusations were bandied about and finally I hit the parents with my knowledge of the girls receiving special treatment in a situation that I was constantly told was fair and even. Silence. I don't know what was said to the step sister but she started coming back again. No doubt they paid her more money than they had already previously been doing.

I find that today that I still come up against people who have way more than I have and then want me to give them what I have. Maybe I am selfish but I have never understood why I should give all that I have to someone who has so much.

The other day an acquaintance was scoping out the loot I received for Christmas from people I've done business with throughout the year. The acquaintance asked me if I was going to share with my loot with my co-workers and I said no. "You're not going to share any of that with your guys? So you're just going to bring that all home?" and he asked with that tonality of disapproval.
I had to laugh at the immediate judgement that hung in the air. I've told this person before when he attempted to get me to 'share' my lunch with him that I do not take care of people who don't need it.

It's a weird caretaking thing that mainly men attempt to push me into without taking into consideration that none of my purchases come easily. If I'm buying a lot of cherries in the summer then there is something that I'm doing without. I never have this and that, I have to choose between this or that and then I get enough to cover me and rarely any extras. I'm not the wife, mother or caretaker for anyone and I really don't have any extra to give especially when it comes to people whose pockets are overflowing with stuff. And I have to start saying that much like learning how to say no.

Generosity has to do with wanting to give, not being forced to give or coerced into giving. I don't have to share every single thing I have with every single fucking person in my life. I choose to feed squirrels and not pigeons. I see many people feeding the pigeons clearly they are taken care of without my bread. I choose to share with whomever I choose to share with. That doesn't make me generous or selfish, it makes me somebody who makes choices.

Oh well! First ranty blog entry in a long ass while on a New Moon no doubt. It bodes well for more articulate entries.

EY