Sunday 5June11
I've been writing lots of poetry but the novel work has been nil for a minute. Possible love as distraction has been the cause. Also the cause of all the poetry.
It's interesting how hard it can be to live a balanced life and be a writer at the same time. I want to be totally focused on my writing but I want to have the enjoyments of normal human beings. Is that too much to ask?
Well the possible love as distraction has come to a screeching halt and I will continue to write poetry because good-byes make me productive. And I can use those magical feelings that I had for a character or more. And I go back to my nose in a book and I get back to my daily goal of 1000 words.
And all is apparently right in the world. Right, right, I have some pain to add to my characters lives too. Almost forgot about that.
EY
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Sunday, June 5, 2011
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Taking Time For Myself
Sunday 21June09 11:22am
I took the month of April off from people. I went to work of course and was personable but my free time I saved for me only. I didn't make plans with friends and turned down any invitations. It wasn't easy to make people understand. It's funny that we can understand when a girlfriend has a new boyfriend and disappears to go build that new relationship but we can't see the same value when a person needs to disappear to build a relationship with ones self. Needless to say, it was difficult for some people to understand when I said, "I'll see you in May."
I'm a prime candidate to go on a silent retreat and thrive because of it. But that's just me. Most people I tell about it look at me like I'm crazy.
I didn't know what it was that I needed specifically other than time for myself. But as the month of April moved on into May and I was enjoying the time so much that I continued for the month of May, I realized that I needed to find my voice. Not necessarily my writing voice because I'm pretty clear about that but that other inside voice. My own authority. I find that my mind goes a mile a minute and I often hear what others have said to me, what others tell me what they think I should do. After a while it buries your own voice. You get away from what do you want for yourself and waste time fighting against advice that you never asked for.
Recently I said to a girl friend, "It's great that you have all these wonderful ideas for me but it's not your voice that I need to listen to, it's my voice." I know it is something that I will have to repeat.
During my time to myself I discovered that I have an insane amount of journals and letters and poems and dream journals that I have kept over a good 20 year period. I found my mother's journals, letters and poems as well. Sweet Jesus, it's a treasure trove that will take me years to look through. I got back into keeping track of my nightly dreams after reading 'Dreamways of the Iroquois' by Robert Moss. I forgot how much better I feel when I have some contact with my subconscious mind. And I wrote poems, a crazy amount of poems. I wrote 74 poems in April and 41 poems in May, thanks to Robert Lee Brewer at Poetic Asides.
He has a great poetry challenge every April, well this was the 2nd year in a row. He offers daily prompts to write a poem a day for the month of April. I was having so much fun writing a poem a day that I decided to go back to the year before and pick up those prompts as well. So I ended up writing two poems a day and an extra poem on Tuesdays. For May I picked up Robert's daily prompts from November of 2008 when the challenge was focused on writing a book of poems on one theme. I used those prompts to write poems in character.
I treated the poetry writing as a stream of consciousness and was thrilled to see what was in my mind on any given day. For the poems in character, those were more guided in that I had to ask, how would Kali or Rachel answer this prompt.
There are many gifts to be found in taking time out for yourself. It's not easy to commit to because people go crazy, get insulted, become needy... but if you can stick to it, for yourself.
My gifts from that time include: finding my journals and mom's journals; getting back to poetry which is what I started writing at 10 years old; keeping a dream journal which has always made me feel more centred, and over all a peace of mind that I've come out of and through the storm of the last couple years. Everything got so dark and painful and negative and excruciating for a good two years and at the end of all that I feel like I've come back to what truly makes me me and hearing it from within me. Giving myself permission to be me.
It's great that people have all these wonderful ideas for us but it's not their voices that we need to listen to, it's our own voice.
EY
I took the month of April off from people. I went to work of course and was personable but my free time I saved for me only. I didn't make plans with friends and turned down any invitations. It wasn't easy to make people understand. It's funny that we can understand when a girlfriend has a new boyfriend and disappears to go build that new relationship but we can't see the same value when a person needs to disappear to build a relationship with ones self. Needless to say, it was difficult for some people to understand when I said, "I'll see you in May."
I'm a prime candidate to go on a silent retreat and thrive because of it. But that's just me. Most people I tell about it look at me like I'm crazy.
I didn't know what it was that I needed specifically other than time for myself. But as the month of April moved on into May and I was enjoying the time so much that I continued for the month of May, I realized that I needed to find my voice. Not necessarily my writing voice because I'm pretty clear about that but that other inside voice. My own authority. I find that my mind goes a mile a minute and I often hear what others have said to me, what others tell me what they think I should do. After a while it buries your own voice. You get away from what do you want for yourself and waste time fighting against advice that you never asked for.
Recently I said to a girl friend, "It's great that you have all these wonderful ideas for me but it's not your voice that I need to listen to, it's my voice." I know it is something that I will have to repeat.
During my time to myself I discovered that I have an insane amount of journals and letters and poems and dream journals that I have kept over a good 20 year period. I found my mother's journals, letters and poems as well. Sweet Jesus, it's a treasure trove that will take me years to look through. I got back into keeping track of my nightly dreams after reading 'Dreamways of the Iroquois' by Robert Moss. I forgot how much better I feel when I have some contact with my subconscious mind. And I wrote poems, a crazy amount of poems. I wrote 74 poems in April and 41 poems in May, thanks to Robert Lee Brewer at Poetic Asides.
He has a great poetry challenge every April, well this was the 2nd year in a row. He offers daily prompts to write a poem a day for the month of April. I was having so much fun writing a poem a day that I decided to go back to the year before and pick up those prompts as well. So I ended up writing two poems a day and an extra poem on Tuesdays. For May I picked up Robert's daily prompts from November of 2008 when the challenge was focused on writing a book of poems on one theme. I used those prompts to write poems in character.
I treated the poetry writing as a stream of consciousness and was thrilled to see what was in my mind on any given day. For the poems in character, those were more guided in that I had to ask, how would Kali or Rachel answer this prompt.
There are many gifts to be found in taking time out for yourself. It's not easy to commit to because people go crazy, get insulted, become needy... but if you can stick to it, for yourself.
My gifts from that time include: finding my journals and mom's journals; getting back to poetry which is what I started writing at 10 years old; keeping a dream journal which has always made me feel more centred, and over all a peace of mind that I've come out of and through the storm of the last couple years. Everything got so dark and painful and negative and excruciating for a good two years and at the end of all that I feel like I've come back to what truly makes me me and hearing it from within me. Giving myself permission to be me.
It's great that people have all these wonderful ideas for us but it's not their voices that we need to listen to, it's our own voice.
EY
Saturday, December 27, 2008
Generosity
27Dec08 Saturday 1:48pm
I've been writing about and discovering what my 100 Demons are. Lynda Barry covers her demons in her comic book One Hundred Demons
One of my big ones has to do with generosity and other's perceptions of my generosity. It always interests me how we try so hard to change each other. "I think you should act this way," we say mostly through actions or finessing each other. I'm guilty of it myself. And well, one of my big ones is how certain people try to tell me that I'm not generous enough for their liking.
Being a woman, learning to say no is often a big priority on our to do list and that always falls in line with giving. We're raised to nurture and give and take a back seat to others in some way.
I've always thought of myself as being a generous person and I used to be that kind of generous where I would give more to others than I had for myself. But slowly and with time, I started to realize that giving the shirt off my back just left me freezing.
Why would anyone give the shirt off their back? It's ridiculous really. Okay, you don't have any clothes, you can wear my sweater but I'm keeping my jacket. Why is anyone else more important that you give them everything and you are left with nothing? It just doesn't make sense.
When we were kids, my step sisters and I all got allowances as most kids do. I got my allowance weekly and they got theirs monthly, since they didn't see their father everyday. Always, I shared my candies and whatever else I bought because I assumed that being the oldest of the girls that I was being given more money. Until that one day that the youngest told me that not only was her father giving her her allowance but my mother had slipped her 'extra' money. I learned that she actually had close to four times as much money than I had. That was way more than I had, I stopped sharing my candies. At some point the older of the two step sisters complained to her dad that she no longer wanted to come to our house anymore because, "Shelley isn't generous."
There was a big stink, words were exchanged, accusations were bandied about and finally I hit the parents with my knowledge of the girls receiving special treatment in a situation that I was constantly told was fair and even. Silence. I don't know what was said to the step sister but she started coming back again. No doubt they paid her more money than they had already previously been doing.
I find that today that I still come up against people who have way more than I have and then want me to give them what I have. Maybe I am selfish but I have never understood why I should give all that I have to someone who has so much.
The other day an acquaintance was scoping out the loot I received for Christmas from people I've done business with throughout the year. The acquaintance asked me if I was going to share with my loot with my co-workers and I said no. "You're not going to share any of that with your guys? So you're just going to bring that all home?" and he asked with that tonality of disapproval.
I had to laugh at the immediate judgement that hung in the air. I've told this person before when he attempted to get me to 'share' my lunch with him that I do not take care of people who don't need it.
It's a weird caretaking thing that mainly men attempt to push me into without taking into consideration that none of my purchases come easily. If I'm buying a lot of cherries in the summer then there is something that I'm doing without. I never have this and that, I have to choose between this or that and then I get enough to cover me and rarely any extras. I'm not the wife, mother or caretaker for anyone and I really don't have any extra to give especially when it comes to people whose pockets are overflowing with stuff. And I have to start saying that much like learning how to say no.
Generosity has to do with wanting to give, not being forced to give or coerced into giving. I don't have to share every single thing I have with every single fucking person in my life. I choose to feed squirrels and not pigeons. I see many people feeding the pigeons clearly they are taken care of without my bread. I choose to share with whomever I choose to share with. That doesn't make me generous or selfish, it makes me somebody who makes choices.
Oh well! First ranty blog entry in a long ass while on a New Moon no doubt. It bodes well for more articulate entries.
EY
I've been writing about and discovering what my 100 Demons are. Lynda Barry covers her demons in her comic book One Hundred Demons
One of my big ones has to do with generosity and other's perceptions of my generosity. It always interests me how we try so hard to change each other. "I think you should act this way," we say mostly through actions or finessing each other. I'm guilty of it myself. And well, one of my big ones is how certain people try to tell me that I'm not generous enough for their liking.
Being a woman, learning to say no is often a big priority on our to do list and that always falls in line with giving. We're raised to nurture and give and take a back seat to others in some way.
I've always thought of myself as being a generous person and I used to be that kind of generous where I would give more to others than I had for myself. But slowly and with time, I started to realize that giving the shirt off my back just left me freezing.
Why would anyone give the shirt off their back? It's ridiculous really. Okay, you don't have any clothes, you can wear my sweater but I'm keeping my jacket. Why is anyone else more important that you give them everything and you are left with nothing? It just doesn't make sense.
When we were kids, my step sisters and I all got allowances as most kids do. I got my allowance weekly and they got theirs monthly, since they didn't see their father everyday. Always, I shared my candies and whatever else I bought because I assumed that being the oldest of the girls that I was being given more money. Until that one day that the youngest told me that not only was her father giving her her allowance but my mother had slipped her 'extra' money. I learned that she actually had close to four times as much money than I had. That was way more than I had, I stopped sharing my candies. At some point the older of the two step sisters complained to her dad that she no longer wanted to come to our house anymore because, "Shelley isn't generous."
There was a big stink, words were exchanged, accusations were bandied about and finally I hit the parents with my knowledge of the girls receiving special treatment in a situation that I was constantly told was fair and even. Silence. I don't know what was said to the step sister but she started coming back again. No doubt they paid her more money than they had already previously been doing.
I find that today that I still come up against people who have way more than I have and then want me to give them what I have. Maybe I am selfish but I have never understood why I should give all that I have to someone who has so much.
The other day an acquaintance was scoping out the loot I received for Christmas from people I've done business with throughout the year. The acquaintance asked me if I was going to share with my loot with my co-workers and I said no. "You're not going to share any of that with your guys? So you're just going to bring that all home?" and he asked with that tonality of disapproval.
I had to laugh at the immediate judgement that hung in the air. I've told this person before when he attempted to get me to 'share' my lunch with him that I do not take care of people who don't need it.
It's a weird caretaking thing that mainly men attempt to push me into without taking into consideration that none of my purchases come easily. If I'm buying a lot of cherries in the summer then there is something that I'm doing without. I never have this and that, I have to choose between this or that and then I get enough to cover me and rarely any extras. I'm not the wife, mother or caretaker for anyone and I really don't have any extra to give especially when it comes to people whose pockets are overflowing with stuff. And I have to start saying that much like learning how to say no.
Generosity has to do with wanting to give, not being forced to give or coerced into giving. I don't have to share every single thing I have with every single fucking person in my life. I choose to feed squirrels and not pigeons. I see many people feeding the pigeons clearly they are taken care of without my bread. I choose to share with whomever I choose to share with. That doesn't make me generous or selfish, it makes me somebody who makes choices.
Oh well! First ranty blog entry in a long ass while on a New Moon no doubt. It bodes well for more articulate entries.
EY
Sunday, September 28, 2008
Family Stone
Sunday 28Sept08 4:57pm
I've got the Family Stone on since it is showing on the W network. In it, there is a scene where Diane Keaton's daughter gets into bed with her. And I haven't thought about it in a long time. I miss lying in bed with my mother. I miss the warmth and smells of her. I miss going into her closet, when she was out, and smelling her perfume smells off her clothes. It doesn't matter how old and mature you become, you are always your parent's child and I miss being her child.
I love when men kiss their sons. Even when they are still adults. It feels like they've let go of all that boys don't cry and can't show affection crap.
I seem to be focused on relationships lately and naming more of what I want and what I love and what I miss. Part of it is about a novel that I'm working on and part of it is about clarity. I seem to have people confiding in me about their relationships lately. The growing pains of new relationships. The real life of relationships once the intoxicating feelings disappear and every day life seeps back in. And I give my words of wisdom, give it your best, show some acceptance and if it really isn't something you can work out, don't leave too early, don't stay too long.
And constantly, I look at the object of my interest and I can predict where some of the problems will come up and I wonder, I wonder, I wonder...
EY
I've got the Family Stone on since it is showing on the W network. In it, there is a scene where Diane Keaton's daughter gets into bed with her. And I haven't thought about it in a long time. I miss lying in bed with my mother. I miss the warmth and smells of her. I miss going into her closet, when she was out, and smelling her perfume smells off her clothes. It doesn't matter how old and mature you become, you are always your parent's child and I miss being her child.
I love when men kiss their sons. Even when they are still adults. It feels like they've let go of all that boys don't cry and can't show affection crap.
I seem to be focused on relationships lately and naming more of what I want and what I love and what I miss. Part of it is about a novel that I'm working on and part of it is about clarity. I seem to have people confiding in me about their relationships lately. The growing pains of new relationships. The real life of relationships once the intoxicating feelings disappear and every day life seeps back in. And I give my words of wisdom, give it your best, show some acceptance and if it really isn't something you can work out, don't leave too early, don't stay too long.
And constantly, I look at the object of my interest and I can predict where some of the problems will come up and I wonder, I wonder, I wonder...
EY
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
